There is a reason people are born without wings

Flying is not natural. Yes, if you are a bird (except for maybe the envious emu) you are comfortable in the sky. But people do not have wings. We cannot fly. And Red Bull probably causes cancer, so I’m not interested.

Emu at the Lowry Park Zoo, Tampa. They look like they belong faaaaar up in the sky…

I was always the normal amount of comfortable in the sky growing up. When I was young, I remember being so excited about wing pins, mad lib’s, and this dumb horse toy that danced when you pushed a button, that I didn’t even care I was going through the clouds. But this was BSD (Before Sky Diving).

Oh how things changed. My way of flying ASD (After Sky Diving) was completely changed. It all started with a spring break trip to Daytona Beach and a wee bit too much vodka rum fun, and I agreed to go skydiving.

Got 10 minutes and need a good laugh?? http://www.patricialeo.com You can thank me later.

I wasn’t smiling so much after I fell from 13,500 feet in the sky.

I’m glad the others girls look so happy. In my defense, they didn’t have an old guy that smelled like whiskey and tobacco strapped to their back…. see link above.

So here I am, 2013ASD and, well, it’s just not as easy as getting on a plane and going. First, I think I should just buy stock in xanax.

Next….

Dewers, it’s free in first class (and really should be free everywhere)

But sometimes that’s just not enough….

All you need is a straw….

Sometimes I just need straight liquor to keep me sane. And on the plane.

Envoy to London. (Still on the ground). Thanks USAir.

Sometimes the anxiety of the upcoming flight requires a little pregaming, and not the fun kind like in college. I’m talking the kind where you drink whatever anyone will give you to get over your anxiety.

Oh wait…. maybe it’s JUST like college…..

First class on Hawaiian Air.

Sometimes, one drink just doesn’t cut it. Seriously, it was six hours of Pacific Ocean under us! AND I CAN’T SWIM!!!

(We actually managed to finish the entire bar, with the exception of the Jack, by the time we reached Honolulu. And yes, we were too drunk to get lei’d and still ended up with someone else clothes….)

And yes, the husband is just as bad. Actually, his anxiety is worse. So if you ever see us on a plane, we will probably look like this:

He hides his drunk eyes better than I do

I’m pretty sure this was on my first flight ASD. That poor, unsuspecting guy had no idea that he would be stuck next to a zombie….

Mask courtesy of USAir

And sometimes, none of it works. So I just slip on a fashionable mask and admit defeat. I should start traveling with a white flag.

And maybe a psychiatrist…